Thomas doesn’t watch a lot of TV, but what he does watch is almost exclusively on PBS or on Sprout, which is PBS’s 24-hour cable children’s programming bonanza. On both of those channels, the programs often include random bits of Spanish language, which I think is great. In theory. A chipper young woman, usually talking to some kind of puppet, will say something like, ” ‘Zapato’ is how you say ’shoe’ in Spanish.” Then the puppet will say, “Zapato!” End of lesson.
Here’s the problem: The group of phonemes that make up the word “zapato” have no meaning for Thomas, and the chipper young woman might as well be saying “klibbott.” Thomas is constantly shouting out nonsense syllables such as “pochal!” and “chobit!” When we ask him what the word means, he says some variation of “that’s how you say ‘monster truck’ in Spanish.” (Except he actually says “Panish,” because he has trouble with the initial “s” sound.)
Dang.
All of this is to give you some background to the hilarious bedtime conversation Thomas, Will, and I had tonight.
Thomas: Can I say something to the baby?
Me: Sure.
Thomas: Where is your belly button? [We were cuddling in his bed with the lights already off, so he couldn't see. Thomas seems to think that my belly-button is some sort of rudimentary telephonic device. He thinks the baby can't hear him if his mouth is anywhere besides right on top of my belly button.]
Me: It’s right here.
Thomas: I want to tell the baby a joke.
Me: Okay.
Thomas: [to my belly button] What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
Will: What?
Thomas: No, I was talking to the baby.
Will: But what did the boy octopus say?
Thomas: [to my belly button:] Skag! Nemn!
Will: What does that mean?
Thomas: It means “no!” in Spanish.
Will: No, it doesn’t.
Me: What did the octopus say in English?
Thomas: I don’t know.
Me: Why don’t you say something to the baby in English.
Thomas: What’s English?
Me: [I paused a minute to think about how to answer this.] It’s words that mean something.* [Obviously, I didn't think hard enough.]
Will: [to me, with mock contempt] Imperialist.
Thomas: [to my belly button] Imperialist! . . . Imperialist. . . . Imperialist! . . . IMPERIALIST!
[Will and I are dying of laughter at this point. Thomas thinks it's funny too, but I'm guessing not for the same reason.]
Thomas: Now I will say something to the baby in Pirate. [to my belly button] Aaargh! Scurvy dog! Walk the plank!
——
*I realize, of course, that this statement does make me sound like I am many different kinds of -ist. Obviously I have a more sophisticated understanding of language than simply to say that non-English languages contain no meaning. Enough said. But how does one explain foreign languages to a three-year old? They don’t contain any meaning for him, not yet at least, no matter how hard PBS is trying. Sigh.
